Chiron is increasingly
gaining more attention both in natal and synastry charts lately. Personally, I
tend to consider it quite an important influence both from my studies on other charts
and from the influence I have found it holds in my life and in my
relationships.
In my personal chart it is
quite an energetic point as it is the apex of my kite formation (non-sextiled
planet), in my sixth house in Gemini. What I would like to talk about, however,
is the influence it holds in my relationship with my husband.
My Chiron is conjunct his
Ascendant nearly exact (less than 1 degree) and in our relationship pain is and
has been an important theme. This aspect is reinforced by his Chiron
conjunct my North Node, this time with a 4 degree orb, and Chiron opposite my
Pluto (nearly exact, less than 1 degree).
With Chiron conjunct
Ascendant the general agreement is that the way one person presents himself to
the world will cause pain to or awaken insecurities in the other.
Chiron conjunct North Node
on the other hand can relate to the Chiron person acting as a teacher for the
North Node person, showing the direction in which he may grow or directly
forcing the growth to happen. The means this growth occurs, however, can be
quite painful and/or may be related to emotional suffering, painful self-exploration
or painfully forced growth. Of course, there is a big difference in how both embrace
and explore their Chiron and their North Node, as both influences are tricky
and require quite a good knowledge of oneself for a positive and constructive expression.
Chiron opposite Pluto may
refer to a generational influence since Chiron and especially Pluto have long
cycles throughout the celestial wheel. In my opinion, it could hint at pain that
somehow unleashes some very basic urges arising from one's unconscious and/or
repressed material. This can lead to much good as airing out Pluto issues is
always helpful and can conduce to much self-acceptation and understanding.
However, given that the energies are activated thru an opposition the process
can be quite stressful at times and the interaction uneasy.
From my personal
experience, in our relationship I have constantly felt belittled and somehow
never enough. It is a faint feeling, present in a quiet way, I would say, as
our day to day is generally pleasant and harmonious. The unfolding of things
in our relationship has left me with this subterranean current of insecurity.
We have passed thru all the
normal stages: dating, him staying at my place a lot, living together and
eventually marriage thru a five year time span but somehow all these steps came to happen with emotional
pain for me. At some point I sensed withholding from his side, doubt or reticence
that were never verbalized and in fact contradicted his spoken behavior.
After
each stage I carefully analyzed our interaction for uneasiness with the
situation or maybe for regrets and a desire to retrace our steps but it was
never the case as each change seemed to contribute to an harmonious and progressive bonding.
Despite the good things in
our relationship (and there are many indeed) this painful feeling has persisted within
me but in a diffuse and subversive way. I have wondered at several points in
our relationship: Why do I continue with this person? What is it that has me committed
to working things out? Why do I tolerate such feelings when my previous
attitude has always been to choose myself, first and foremost? (I have to mention
I am not a masochist in the least).
My feelings seem to be quite
philosophical (might be a consequence of Chiron trine Jupiter in my natal
chart). The pain I feel seems somewhat cathartic and I don’t blame him for
causing it since I see it as unintentional. I perceive it as intrinsic to him
being how he is. I may not like the feeling, but looking back I can understand
the value it held in me changing some of my attitudes that were not conducive
to constructive results. It is a process and I can definitely remember times
when it caused me much suffering, but at the same time I can’t identify
something clearly defined that bothered me. It is a multitude of attitudes I can’t
quite put my finger on that leave me feeling like this.
When I look at how the
conjunction is lived from the Ascendant person’s perspective I know I have
greatly challenged some of his attitudes and his manner or interacting with his
environment. Sometimes it is voluntary but sometimes I feel that just by me living
my daily life such as I understand it I make him feel lacking in some aspect or
insecure.
This makes me think that
the conjunction can work both ways and the pain and insecurity is shared. In
our case I can say that it hasn’t been an easy journey but that it has caused
us to be more true to our nature as individuals and more understanding and
somewhat compassionate of the other person. I feel a strong pull towards my husband
in en ethereal kind of way and many times I have felt that our relationship was
fated. I cannot help feeling this way but my attitude towards this feeling is
somewhat impaired and uneasy as it is a heavy and serious feeling.
Please let me know if you
have ever experienced the Chiron conjunct Ascendant aspect in a relationship
and what were the effects you felt in yourself and in your relationship.
